Before becoming an organizational development and leadership consultant, and while in my corporate career, I relied upon others working in this important field for sage advice. One can liken these practitioners to “workplace psychologists,” offering must-have leadership tips, whether through one-on-one coaching or team building, all with the aim of improving workplace relationships, motivation and productivity. Through the use of assessment tools, be they 360-degree performance evaluations, and/or workplace styles assessments, each provides a window into how others perceive one another: in this case, yours truly. I learned skills and received thoughtful – if not painful at times – information about how others saw me, which enables me today to understand how others might feel when receiving feedback, and to be empathetic when debriefing a 360 degree recipient: as the saying goes “been there, done that, got the T-shirt, wore it, ripped it up and burned it.”
Based upon this personal experience, and when giving an individual feedback on a 360, I often compare the recipient’s reactions to the workplace corollary of Elisabeth Kubler Ross’s five stages of grief, as found in her landmark book Death and Dying. The five stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, are part of the framework that makes it possible to live with loss. These feelings routinely emerge when an individual hears how others perceive him or her in the workplace.
I certainly can attest to having felt the following: 1) denial – “I bet I know who said that: she doesn’t like me;” 2) anger – “they don’t understand me;” or, “how unforgiving – they of all people should know how much work I have and how much stress I’m under;” 3) bargaining – “This comment (or these comments) are outliers, coming from someone who I disciplined so it’s only a personal vendetta;” 4) depression – “how can I face my colleagues – they all hate me;” and 5) acceptance – “well, I guess that is how I am perceived and perception is reality. I am the one and only with the power to change how others perceive me, by adjusting my workplace actions. I will do it!”
Words or Phrases to Consider Avoiding and Why:
Some of the feedback I received, which allowed me to turn-it around was the need to avoid the use of absolutist words and superlatives while communicating. I used some of the words and phrases that follow; while I find others I have worked with, used different ones. The chart depicts a sampling of the word or phrase, and how they might be perceived them.
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Absolutist or Superlative Word or Phrase |
How it Was or Could Have Been Perceived
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| A perfect example . . . |
Any other example is imperfect, flawed or just plain bad.
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| The best way to do it is . . . |
“My way or the highway;” any other attempt would fall short.
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This is the correct method to follow . . .
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Suggests that any other method would be defective.
|
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This is always the result when . . .
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Suggests there is a one and only way. . . |
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I would never (say, do, ask for, etc.) . . .
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Indicates that whatever the issue, it should never be handled in the way described.
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Any of the est, or iest words (the superlatives) such as greatest, best, biggest, loudest, rudest, simplest, etc.
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Suggests no other alternative is allowed or allowable. |
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Some of the ly adverbs, such as completely, definitely, absolutely, constantly, etc.
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Suggests no other alternative is allowed or allowable. |
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Everyone thinks, or everyone does, or the flip of that — no one thinks, or no one does. . .
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Suggests there is only one way to think or do, and any deviation from that norm would be wrong.
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This is the worst memo I’ve ever read . . .
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Implies the writer is the “worst.” |
Common Themes – The Communicatee’s Perceptions Regardless of the Communicator’s Intent:
- There is only one way to do things.
- There is no need to think, exercise independent judgment, or to be creative.
- I am not empowered. I need to do what I’m told.
- The person who is communicating is “right,” “correct,” or “faultless.”
- The person communicated with is “wrong,” “incorrect,” or “flawed.”
- The person communicated with is being judged by the communicator, and likely falls short.
Consider Rephrasing the Words or Phrases:
This time the chart will add a third column of words or phrases to consider substituting, all to achieve the goal of countering the (unintended) perceptions:
| Absolutist or Superlative Word or Phrase |
How it Was or Could Have Been Perceived
|
Words or Phrases to Consider Substituting | How it Could be Perceived |
| A perfect example . . . |
Any other example is imperfect, flawed or just plain bad.
|
Here’s an example that might work . . . |
Serves to invite other examples. |
| The best way to do it is . . . |
“My way or the highway;” any other attempt would fall short.
|
I’ve found a good way to do this . . . |
Is open to other good ideas, even great ones. |
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This is the correct method to follow . . .
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Suggests that any other method would be defective.
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This is one of the methods I’ve used that worked for me . . . |
Allows for others to suggest a method that worked for them, or to create a new one: be empowered and creative.
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This is always the result when . . .
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Suggests there is a one and only way. . .
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When I’ve done that, I’ve found that the result is . . . |
Informs another the pitfalls encountered, and leaves the decision-making up to her or him.
|
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I would never (say, do, ask for, etc.) . . .
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Indicates that whatever the issue, it should never be handled in the way described.
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I haven’t said, done, asked for, etc. however, I could be open to it. Persuade me. . . | Allows for, even invites input. |
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Any of the est, or iest words (the superlatives) such as greatest, best, biggest, loudest, rudest, simplest, etc.
|
Suggests no other alternative is allowed or allowable. |
Drop the est or iest and try using great, good, big, loud, rude, simple, etc. |
Indicates the communicator’s preference; however, doesn’t close off a response or other options. |
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Some of the ly adverbs, such as completely, definitely, absolutely, constantly, etc.
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Suggests no other alternative is allowed or allowable. | Drop the ly, and use complete, definite, absolute, constant, etc. |
Indicates the communicator’s preference; however, doesn’t close off a response or other options.
|
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Everyone thinks, or everyone does, or the flip of that — no one thinks, or no one does. . .
|
Suggests there is only one way to think or do, and any deviation from that norm would be wrong.
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I have found that many think; or, I have found that many do not think . . . |
Informs the receiver that there is likely a preference; however, doesn’t close off a response or other options.
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This is the worst memo I’ve ever read . . .
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Implies that not only the memo, is the “worst;” perhaps the writer is, too. |
Hmm, I guess I wasn’t expecting this. Tell me more . . . |
Expresses surprise; however, it is designed to dig deeper, and demonstrates a willingness to hear another point of view out, and maybe even adopt it.
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Recapping – Rethinking and Rephrasing Absolutist Words, Phrases or the Use of Superlatives:
Certainly, when I was the communicator using absolutist words, phrases and superlatives, my intent was not to communicate my superior knowledge, or that I was right and others were wrong, or to close down ideas from others. When I received the feedback, I went through the five stages of “workplace grief,” finally concluding that I was the “captain of my ship,” and by thinking first, and rephrasing my language second, I could and would invite others to participate, use their creativity, and take the risk to contribute their ideas. In short, to empower others. And, it worked! Similarly, as a coach, facilitator, team-builder and leadership consultant today, I have encouraged others to do the same. Nothing succeeds like success, as the saying goes, and many have turned around their style from one of “telling” to “listening and asking.” Give it a try; it might work for you, too.
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