Remember the family sitcoms of yore when the Father would come home from work, and the balance of the clan ran to greet him, eager to talk about their day’s accomplishments, ask questions, or seek advice? The Father always had a smile on his face and willingly engaged in the conversation (while Mother brough him the Mr. Rogers sweater to wear). He was engaged, listened intently, and offered sage advice. However, among many other stereotypes, that scene proved to be fanciful.

In reality, most of us cross the threshold, thinking of putting the day’s work behind us, and attempting to refocus our attention on family and friends – later that evening. First, though, we think of changing into comfortable clothes, and enjoying a relaxing evening and a meal. When we are first met with questions, stories and the like from beloved family members or roommates, we politely nod, bravely trying to focus and listen, and – at most – are half there. After a peaceable time alone, we may be ready for that dialogue, just not at the moment we step inside our domain.

Looking at it from the other side, e.g., the party eager to share or simply engage in conversation, how do we ensure we will be listened to? Although we can never know how another might react, we can increase the chances of a fruitful dialogue and an avid listener, by following these how to’s:

The How To’s:

• Be purposeful;
• Pick the moment;
• Pick the place; and,
• Announce one’s intentions.

Be Purposeful:

• What’s the goal of the communication?
  • Is it to share information?
  • Is it to give a direction or instruction?
  • Is it to seek advice?
  • Is it to ask a question?
  • Is it to talk through an issue, without seeking advice?

We have all heard the stories of the differing communication styles, often between men and women, when the woman, intending to puzzle through an issue out loud, lays out a challenge, and the man replies with a solution. She was wanting to share the information with a willing listener, as a vehicle to come up with her own answer, and he was thinking she wanted him to solve the problem. A classic miscommunication.

Pick the Moment:

• Depending upon the topic, and its importance to the communicator, determine when it will be best received and understood:
  • Would it be when the intended listener is relaxed?
  • Would it be when the intended listener is alone?
  • How about when she or he is in a group?
  • Is the intended listener a morning person, or a night person?
  • How much time will be needed?

We’ve all been in situations when the boss is walking out the door at the end of the workday to a meeting, focused more on the meeting than on the team, and gives a direction, that turns out to be more important to her than we thought.

“Jim, mail out this letter to ACME’s CEO,” she declares. How would Jim know whether it’s important; when it needs to go out; whether to use regular mail; whether to send it return-receipt requested; should it go out over-night mail or via a delivery service? Simply stated, he doesn’t know. Jim only learns of its importance the next day when the team hears the boss’s raised voice to Jim in the hallway, chastising him for getting it wrong.

Pick the Place:

• Is this a matter that should be discussed in a group setting?
• Is this a matter that should be discussed in private?
• Should the setting be a relaxed and comfortable one, or should the communication happen in straight-backed chairs?
• Should it be inside or outside: will a companionable stroll do the trick?

In the oft repeated story above, when the boss raised her voice to Jim chastising him, it was in the hallway and overheard by the balance of the team. Hmm, guess she hadn’t heard the rule: “praise in public, discipline in private.”

Announce One’s Intentions: Weave in the Other How-to’s:

• Work related conversation from a boss to a subordinate: Jim, I’m in a bit of a hurry and have only about a minute. I need you to mail this out over-night to Acme’s CEO, with return receipt requested. Can I count on you?
• Work related conversation from a boss to a subordinate: Meghan, I need to see you in conference room B after lunch. Let’s plan on fifteen minutes at 1:45 to discuss a confidential project I want you to handle.
• Work related sitatuion from a boss to a subordinate: Jim, I see that the letter didn’t go out last night, I need you to meet me in my office in ten minutes. We need to discuss your role in this and the implications.
• Work related conversation from a supervisor to her boss: Sam, I know how busy you are today. I have an issue to discuss with you about Marvin. Can I take five minutes of your time at 2:30 today?
• Work related conversation from a supervisor to her boss at 2:30: Sam, is this still a good time? It’s a relatively simple question about a policy that I think Marvin violated. I want to tell you what I plan to do unless you don’t want me to.
• Parent crossing the threshold: Mom, I know you’re tired. Can I have five minutes of your time later tonight to discuss a school project? If you can’t tonight, would tomorrow morning work? I need to have an idea of what I’m going to do by second period.
• Female partner to her spouse: Hey, Juan, I made a big mistake at work today. Can I use you as a sounding board? I’m really embarrassed. It will take about ten minutes or so. I don’t want the kids to overhear, either, so how about we talk in the backyard while they are getting ready for bed? I need a supportive ear on this one.
• Male partner to his spouse: Jasmine, I need to discuss a joke I told at work today. At the time, I thought it was mild and funny, but the look on Karina’s face made me think it wasn’t. Five minutes after the kids go down?

It’s a Wrap: Tips for Purposeful Communication: Announce One’s Intention.

• Be purposeful
• Pick the moment;
• Pick the place; and,
• Announce one’s intentions.