“Words, words, words, I’m so sick of words . . .“ sang Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady. In that work of art, the use of words and enunciation consistent with the so-called “Kings English,” were used by Professor Henry Higgins to take what he called a “gutter snipe” and transform her into a lady . . . merely by speaking properly. Whether that is true, it is certainly true that word selection can set the mood, frame an issue, delineate roles and responsibilities, be used as a sword to hurt others, or a shield to protect ourselves, among a host of many other things.
In the era of covid-19, word choice is even more important. Uncertainty abounds, sensitivities are heightened, virtual meetings are ubiquitous, and the opportunities for miscommunication are multiplied. This presents an opportunity to assess how we communicate, what we project, and how we want to be perceived.
In the first blog in this series, the focus was on two key leadership skills: listening and asking, noting that many leaders are great at “telling,” and not as good at listening and asking. Today the focus is on word choice, specifically using the word “I” and banishing the word “you,” to almost nil. The goal of using “I” statements is to put responsibility where it belongs: with the communicator, not with the person being communicated to or with.
Using “I” Statements and Banishing “You” Statements: The Communication How-to’s:
1) Own it: Use “I” when making a request or reframing an issue, for example – “I would like you to do . . .” “What I have in mind . . .” “I am asking that . . . “ “I heard you say . . .” “Correct me if I goofed, I understood the issue to be . . .“ “I want to make sure I got it, I heard . . .”
2) Identify your views or feelings: “I was hurt when . . . “ “I heard you say . . .” “I was offended when . . . .” “I asked you to do x, rather than y” “I didn’t hear an answer to the question . . .”
3) Avoid drawing conclusions or opinions or attributing motivation to others: Deal in Acts, Facts and Events (all of which is perceived as shaming, shifting blame, etc.): “You didn’t hear me . . .” “You didn’t understand what I said . . .” “You hurt my feelings . . .” “You are unprofessional . . .” “Don’t use that tone of voice with me . . .” “You didn’t do what I asked . . .”
Own It:
I subscribe to the following theory of communication: It is my responsibility to make sure I am understood, rather than the responsibility of another to make sure he or she understands me. For many that concept can be a profound reversal of how we operate, and how I operated in the past. Whether we are aware of it or not, most of us place the responsibility of understanding the communication squarely on the shoulders of the person being communicated with.
If one accepts responsibility for being understood, then using “I” statements comes easily, as does working to banish using “you” statements. How might this look?
|
Avoiding the Trap that Others are Responsible for Understanding You FROM:
|
Accepting Responsibility for Being Understood: Using “I” Statements
TO: |
| “You didn’t hear me . . .” |
“I guess I wasn’t clear. Let me state it this way . . .”
|
| “You hurt my feelings . . .” |
“My feelings were hurt when the comment was made that . . .”
|
| “You didn’t do what I asked . . “
|
“I thought I was clear in what I asked however, I must not have been. This is what I would like . . . Kindly tell me in your words what you think I want.”
|
| “You’re not being clear . . .” | “I’m not sure I got it. What I heard was . . . Is that what I’m supposed to do?”
|
| “Your tone of voice is inappropriate . . .” | “I prefer that we speak in our typical conversational style and tone. . .”
|
| Avoid Drawing Conclusions or Opinions or Attributing Motivation to Others:
FROM: |
Describe the Acts, Facts or Events and How they were Viewed: TO:
|
| “You are unprofessional . . .”
|
“I find when someone speaks over me, I consider it unprofessional . . .”
|
| “You didn’t understand me. This is all wrong. . . “
|
“I guess I wasn’t clear. Sorry about that. Let me try rephrasing this way. . . Do me a favor and go into your office and send a return email with what you understood me to ask. That way we can make sure we’re on the same page.”
|
| “You were inappropriate in the staff meeting. Don’t do it again.”
|
“When Seth was responding to your suggestion, I found he didn’t get his thought out before you spoke again, and this time in an elevated voice. This is not acceptable.”
|
To recap:
Using “I” Statements and Banishing “You” Statements: The Communication How-to’s:
1) Own it: Use “I” when making a request or reframing an issue, for example – “I would like you to do . . .” “What I have in mind . . .” “I am asking that . . . “ “I heard you say . . .” “Correct me if I goofed, I understood the issue to be . . .“ “I want to make sure I got it, I heard . . .”
2) Identify your views or feelings: “I was hurt when . . . “ “I heard you say . . .” “I was offended when . . . .” “I asked you to do x, rather than y” “I didn’t hear an answer to the question . . .”
3) Avoid drawing conclusions or opinions or attributing motivation to others: Deal in Acts, Facts and Events (all of which is perceived as shaming, shifting blame, etc.): “You didn’t hear me . . .” “You didn’t understand what I said . . .” “You hurt my feelings . . .” “You are unprofessional . . .” “Don’t use that tone of voice with me . . .” “You didn’t do what I asked . . .”
