Communication Counts – moment-by-moment, hour-by-hour, day-by-day. This is truer now in these turbulent times – an international pandemic, the Black Lives Matter movement and “incoming” on social media. Uncertainty abounds, sensitivities are heightened, virtual meetings are ubiquitous, and the opportunities for miscommunication are multiplied. This presents an opportunity to assess how we communicate, what we project, and how we want to be perceived.
This is the fourth in a series of blogs offering communication tips for these turbulent times. The first focused on two key leadership skills: listening and asking, noting that many leaders are great at “telling,” and not as good at listening and asking. The second turned the spotlight on the importance of owning one’s communication by using the word “I” and banishing the word “you,” to almost nil. The third blog focused on how assumptions about what another means can get us into trouble. To coin a legal phrase, it challenged us to avoid “assuming facts not in evidence.”
Today’s blog asks us to communicate with humility and compassion in unsettling times.
Tips for Communicating with Humility and Compassion:
1) When we Make a Mistake: Apologize: it’s not if (we make mistakes), rather how we handle them.
2) As a Team Leader – all Praise goes to the Team, and all Mistakes Belong to the Leader: President Harry S. Truman said it best, “the buck stops here.”
3) Be Gentle with Others Who Goof: “To err is human, to forgive is divine,” wrote Alexander Pope in An Essay on Criticism.
When we Make a Mistake: Apologize
While facilitating a leadership session, entitled “Organizational Culture and Political Savvy,” for the top 500 employees in a large municipal utility, I often opened the session with the question: “who in this room has made a mistake?” All hands would go up. I next asked “who apologized for that mistake?” Fewer hands would stay in the air. When I concluded with “who shared the mistake with the team to ensure others wouldn’t make it,” all hands went down. We all make mistakes: it’s not if, rather how we handle them.
Own It:
Mistakes happen – they are a normal part of the workaday world, and if we have the courage to face them, apologize, where appropriate, and learn from them, we save others from repeating the errors. Frequently, when someone goofs, she or he tends to blame shift, “you didn’t understand me,” “you misconstrued what I meant,” or “if you gave me the right information, I wouldn’t have made a mistake.” Wouldn’t it be better if the person said “sorry, I goofed,” I won’t do it again,” or, “next time, I’ll slow down and make sure I have all the data I need.” Apologizing goes hand-in-hand with using “I” statements and avoiding “you” statements: Own the error and apologize.
A Related Story:
Although not exactly on point, it was reported in the Book Notorious RBG, that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg viewed her job as educating the litigants in front of her, especially those who did not prevail. The Justice instructed her law clerks that “the important takeaway for them is not just ‘I lost,’ rather ‘I was treated fairly’.” Contrast that with the late Justice Antonin Scalia who advised “I think when it’s wrong, it should be destroyed.” Hmm, consider who was the more successful in educating the litigants as to what the judiciary was thinking, especially those that didn’t prevail?
As a Team Leader All Praise Goes to the Team, and all Mistakes Belong to the Leader
We’ve all seen leaders take credit for the accomplishments of the team or individual team members, and then blame the team for all mistakes. This breeds distrust and, at times, contempt from the team. Conversely, the Leader who credits the team or individual members for accomplishments, and accepts the fallout for mistakes made – regardless of who on the team made them, breeds trust, loyalty, and a hardworking team willing to do what it takes to make the team look good. Courage and strength comes in owning it, rather than blaming others.
Rewording these statements:
| From:
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To: |
| “Thanks, Boss, so glad you like the result.” | “Thanks, Boss, glad you like the result; however, it wasn’t my work – the team accomplished the task.”
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| “I am also happy with the result.” | “The team did a great job, didn’t it? I am also happy with the result.”
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| “I’m sorry it didn’t work out. Juan really blew it on this one.” | “I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I dropped the ball on this one. It won’t happen again.”
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| “I’ll talk to Marla about it; she never should have come up with that conclusion.”
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“Sorry the conclusion wasn’t what you wanted. I’ll get back to work and come up with a different recommendation.” |
Be Gentle with Others Who Goof
Recognizing that sensitivities are heightened, and reactions can be outsized to any transgression – large or small – be compassionate and understanding of those who make mistakes. Here’s an opportunity to lead by example, and to use another’s mistake as an opportunity to learn.
A Story:
While leaving the office for the day, Edmund Nonprofit Executive Director, dropped a pile of letters on Rosa Receptionist’s desk, stating “I know this is late, sorry, but need you to stay to send out these thank you letters to our donors. See you tomorrow.” Rosa was worried she would be late picking up her son Sam from daycare and rushed through the project putting some of the letters in the wrong envelopes. When Dyanne Donor received a thank-you for “her generous donation,” but was referred to as Marianne in the letter, Dyanne blew up with the Executive Director. He, in turn, lambasted Rosa stating “how could you do this? You know that we rely on Dyanne to fund our program. Marianne is a small donor!” Rosa went home sick and filed a workers’ compensation claim for stress. She also contacted the EEOC stating she was working in a Hostile Work Environment.
What if:
Edmund had stayed late with Rosa and helped send out the letters? What if Edmund asked Rosa to send out the letters the following morning, figuring that if the donors received them one day later, it wouldn’t be so bad? What if Edmund had accepted responsibility for the snafu, apologizing first to Dyanne Donor, and then acknowledging to Rosa “I guess I was in a hurry the other night, and didn’t explain what the project was and its value to the agency. Sorry about that. Next time, I’ll either stay late with you, or defer to the next day.”
To recap:
Tips for Communicating with Humility and Compassion:
1) When we Make a Mistake: Apologize: it’s not if (we make mistakes), rather how we handle them.
2) As a Team Leader – all Praise goes to the Team, and all Mistakes Belong to the Leader: President Harry S. Truman said it best, “the buck stops here.”
3) Be Gentle with Others Who Goof: “To err is human, to forgive is divine,” wrote Alexander Pope in “An Essay on Criticism.”
