It’s rather ironic that I am posting this blog on what would have been my dear old dad’s birthday: He and I often didn’t see eye-to-eye, and were in conflict on many issues – from the rather mundane, as in what time I needed to be home at night – to the more profound – should America be sending its young men to fight the war in Vietnam? The adage “spare the rod and spoil the child,” wasn’t on his generation’s radar screen, and my mouth was washed out with soap on more than one occasion. Were those conflicts resolved or managed? They may have been “resolved” from the standpoint of his power position over me – if I wasn’t home at the appointed hour, I would be grounded. But, the differences in the underlying issues were not – such as what is a reasonable time for a teenager to come home?
Conflict Management vs. Conflict Resolution:
Essentially, there are two schools of thought: we either resolve conflicts or manage them. I am of the latter school, believing that conflicts are based on those with differing, yet closely held values. Thus, rarely can they be resolved, merely managed: One is unlikely to throw over his or her values; however, she or he may be willing to seek consensus around areas of agreement. Further, conflicts can escalate when those with the different beliefs express them in “fighting words,” especially when the fighting words are directed at others with different values, hence beliefs.
Think of one of the most contentious values-based issues of our time: abortion, AKA, a woman’s right to choose. (As I write, there are people gathering in cities nation-wide to protest recently-adopted anti-abortion laws in several states, with those in support also exercising their First Amendment rights to rally around their support of these legislative acts.)
Even the phrases we use to describe the matter are riddled with value-laden words, and offer up images that are range from neutral to graphic, disdainful, disturbing and clearly fighting:
- Pro-choice vs. Pro-life
- A woman’s right to choose vs. abortion on demand
- Late-term abortion vs. Partial-birth abortion
- Radical abortionist vs. Radical rightwing zealots
- Religion vs. Hedonism
- Life of the Mother vs. Life of the Unborn
If one were to look at the meaning of the words alone, could not a person be both pro-choice and pro-life? Could a fictional woman believe that others could decide whether to have an abortion, while she would not choose to do so? This fictional woman would therefore acknowledge that woman have a right to chose whether to have an abortion; and, while others might chose to do so, her personal choice would be not to.
It is doubtful that the conflict between the two sides will ever be resolved because the underlying belief systems – based on deeply-held values, whether from religious beliefs, culture, history or experience – will never be resolved. The Courts may decide what our society will sanction as appropriate; however, the underlying value-based views won’t be resolved. Yet, they can be managed.
Process for Managing Conflict: The Goal is to Find the “Win-Win”
- Identify the issue
- List what keeps the sides apart
- Identify what the sides have in common
- Based upon the commonalities, determine what the sides can agree to
- Implement for the win!
Example: Finding the Win-Win on Abortion or Choice
- Identify the issue – pro-life vs. pro-choice
- Identify what keeps the two sides apart –
- when does life begin? If it begins at conception, would it be homicide to have an abortion at any time?
- If life doesn’t begin at conception, when does it? If it doesn’t begin until viability may a woman have an abortion up until viability?
- If a life doesn’t begin until a fetus can live on its own outside a woman, may she have an abortion at any time until birth?
- What if continuing a pregnancy jeopardizes the life of the woman? Does the woman’s life take precedence, or the child not yet born?
- Does the government have a role to play – legislatively or judicially?
- Does society have a role to play? What about privacy rights?
- What do the two sides have in common?
- A desire to reduce the number of children born to those unable to care for them?
- Age of prospective parents
- Prospective parents addicted to drugs
- Those financially unable to care for themselves, let alone children
- The need to educate young men and women on the consequences of having sex
- How does a woman get pregnant?
- How do men and women prevent pregnancy?
- Are they ready to have sex?
- What is rape? What does “no” mean?
- The need to educate young women on the health matters associated with having sex
- Birth control?
- STDs?
- Physical readiness?
- Psychological readiness?
- A desire to reduce the number of children born to those unable to care for them?
- Based upon what the two sides in common, what are possible agreed-to resolutions?
- Promote/Institute Sex education
- By parents, or
- At school
- Make Available of Medical Care and Family Planning
- Through healthcare plans
- Via nonprofit agencies
- Stream-lined adoption policies
- Promote/Institute Sex education
- Implement for the Win!
It’s a Wrap: Summary or Key Points
- Conflicts are Based on Differing, often Strongly Held Values
- Conflicts can be Managed, rarely Resolved
- Language is Key
- Undertake a Neutral Process
- Identify the issue
- List what divides the parties
- List what the parties have in common
- Develop agreed-to solutions
- Implement for the Win-Win
