Is it almost over with? Is 2020 yet “in the books?” Such a crazy year: first the pandemic, and then the very contentious presidential campaign. Both were all-consuming, and impacted the ways in which we communicated with one another. Time to rethink some of what we did, and didn’t do, and to offer up some important communication tips to carry us to the end of the year, and to apply in 2021.

December is typically a time for celebration, contemplation and the making of promises/resolutions for the year to come. For me, my 2021 New Year’s resolutions came a month early, allowing me to regain a sense of civility and compassion, in short, to practice what I preach.

Three Vital Tips to Turn Around the Collective & Individual Communication Bad Habits of 2020:

1) Be Strategic: Think First, Communicate Second: Adopting this practice allows us to calm the waters, avoid the knee-jerk lizard brain reaction, and to consider what the aim of the communication is and to plan accordingly;

2) Be Brave, Be Bold and Return to Civility: It may be considered old-fashioned in this day and age; however, word choice is key; and,

3) Use “I” Statements to Own it, Rather Than to Brag: As a big proponent of owning one’s communication by using “I” statements and banishing almost to nil “you” statements, I was saddened the year dawned with the use of “I” to brag about one’s accomplishments – whether real or fictional – than to accept responsibility for one’s behavior.

Tip #1 – Be Strategic: Think First, Communicate Second:

This tip focuses on resisting the urge to respond immediately, which response can unfortunately be counter to what we really want to communicate. By taking a pause, and considering what the goal of the communication is, e.g., what do we want out of this communication, we can plan and execute it.

Example: Carly cares deeply about Sam, who has a preexisting health condition, and wants him to get immunized when the covid-19 vaccine is made available in their community.  Sam has expressed skepticism about vaccines in general, and this one in specific. Sam’s point of view has led to a huge obstacle in Carly persuading Sam to her view. In fact, Carly has had many arguments with Sam about this, and became so frustrated the last time they spoke, she accused him of being anti-science and a believer in “fake news.” Carly said, “you make me so mad; you don’t listen to reason or science, you just follow like a lamb anything you read on that ‘anti-vaxers’ website.” Sam won’t speak to Carly now, calling her an “elitist pig.”

What if Carly, thought first, reacted second, and focused on what her goal was and how to overcome the obstacles? Had she planned her approach; things may well have turned out differently.

Goal: To get Sam, who she cares about deeply, to be open to being immunized against Covid-19 once available.

Obstacle to Achieving the Goal: Sam is skeptical about the effectiveness of immunizations.

Carly’s Approach: “Sam, I care about you deeply, and offer up my point of view in the spirit of being a good friend. I know you and I think differently about vaccinations, I believe in them, and, I think you have concerns about them. It would mean a lot to me if you would consider getting immunized against Covid-19 once they are available. In fact, I’m going to, and would be happy to have you come with me, ask the provider questions, and then consider having one yourself. Think about it and let me know.”

Tip #2: Be Brave, Be Bold and Return to Civility:

Whether on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, print news, cable television and, increasingly, broadcast tv, the dialogue has shifted away from what was once considered “polite” conversation into name calling, profanity and bullying. It seems like it happened over-night; however, in retrospect, it happened bit by bit and over time. One only has to go onto any of those social media and find someone “respectable,” e.g., a politician, his or her family member, business or civic leader or celebrities dropping the F-bomb, as it’s now known, accusing others of nefarious conduct, and simply name calling. The impact of this escalation in language has led to tit-for-tat and very public dialogues that devolve further and further into the mud.

The practical impact of this is a furthering of the great divide: various sides become more entrenched and extreme in their views, and these fighting words can lead to violence. It’s time to take a pause, and think before speaking. Be strategic, what is the goal of the conversation? If the aim is to change another person’s mind, to persuade him or her to one’s point of view, is it really accomplished by name calling?

Tip #3: Use “I” Statements to Own it, Rather Than to Brag:

I am a big believer in accepting responsibility in communication by using “I” statements, and eliminating to the extent possible “you” statements. Rather than saying “you didn’t understand me,” I would own it and say “I’m sorry, I guess I didn’t explain the situation very well. Let me try it this way.” There is a very practical reason for doing this: whether I believed I was 100% clear on what I asked, if the other person didn’t understand what I asked, it’s not going to happen. Thus, I wasn’t clear. By stating “you didn’t understand me,” the other person in all likelihood would become defensive, and fail to be open to what I in fact wanted. This is particularly true in the workplace, when the listener is likely in a subordinate position, and truly wants to do what he or she believes was asked.

Notwithstanding the foregoing, that is, owning one’s communication through “I” statements, I’ve seen a rise in the use of “I” statements to brag: “I said that would happened;” or, “I predicted this . . .;” or, “I got this one right, didn’t I?” Those and other similar statements come across as “I’m right, and you’re wrong.” Although tempting to want to show others when one is “right,” the others may already know that, and, if not, pointing it out often has the opposite effect: “there he goes again.”

A Recap: Three Vital Tips to Turn Around the Collective & Individual Communication Bad Habits of 2020:

1) Be Strategic: Think First, Communicate Second: Adopting this practice allows us to calm the waters, avoid the knee-jerk lizard brain reaction, and to consider what the aim of the communication is;

2) Be Brave, be Bold and Return to Civility: It may be considered old-fashioned in this day and age; however, word choice is key; and,

3) Use “I” Statements to Own it, Rather Than to Brag: As a big proponent of owning one’s communication by using “I” statements and banishing almost to nil “you” statements, I was saddened the year dawned with the use of “I” to brag about one’s accomplishments – whether real or fictional – than to accept responsibility for one’s behavior.