Strolling – socially distanced and with my mask on – down a beach boardwalk this weekend, I saw a sign that read “first rule of 2021; don’t discuss 2020.” Although amusing, and many of us would wish that 2020 could go away. It won’t. We lived through it, and its after affects may live with us for decades to come.

For me, 2020 brought many silver linings: reconnecting – virtually – with friends and colleagues; honoring first responders that saved lives; appreciating the dedication and hard work of educators at the ready to help; and, valuing those I love and hold dear – via virtual conversations, and in-person within my own little pod. Although far from universal, there were also drawbacks: relationships frayed, often displayed through language that was “unbecoming” to put it mildly. Fighting words were as pervasive as the fear of infection, exacerbated by a lively and contentious political season, with accusations flying, and name calling, bullying and an inability to listen and understand, all of which became the norm for many. One had only to look at various forms of social media to find many who are considered respected leaders using language that would have shocked dear old granny into cardiac arrest.

For me, 2021 is a return to civility, commencing with communication. It may be a long road; however, we need to start somewhere.

Three Tips for Returning to Civility in Communication:

1) Listen, Ask Questions: Make an Effort to Understand;

2) Take the “Famous 15-second Pause;” and,

3) Return to Some of the Communication Norms of Yore: Granny Had Something Worth Saying

Tip #1 – Listen, Ask Questions: Make an Effort to Understand:

How many of us in 2020 engaged in dialogue – whether in person, virtually or via social media – with those holding opposing views? I suspect that the number would be few. My challenge to you in 2021 is to engage three others with opposing views, to listen to what each has to say, ask open-ended follow-up questions, and to make an effort to understand. One conversation alone won’t repair some of the broken relationships; however, over time and with various conversations with the three selected, the relationships can be turned around.

Example: The following is a hypothetical conversation between Liane and John. Liane is 38, the mother of two small children, and a fourth-grade teacher. She is eager to get vaccinated so she can get back into the classroom. She knows that she probably won’t be eligible for the vaccination for several months, given her age and excellent health. Her neighbor John is 77, with compromised health, retired and eligible now for a vaccination. He is hesitant to have one because he has read conflicting information about the vaccinations and fears that by having one, he may contract the disease or another disability. Liane was outraged when she heard this from Neal, another neighbor since she would “die to get his [John’s] place in line.”

Liane to John: (socially-distanced, with both wearing masks and over the fence): “Hi John. Nice to see you looking so good. I’m glad you are well. I’m curious, I understand that you are hesitant to get the vaccination. I’m a fan of the vaccine, and can hardly wait to get mine. I want to understand why you think differently; I’m all ears.”

John gives his reasons, and Liane then says: That’s interesting. Tell me more.

John provides more information about his sources, and Liane then says: “I guess we’re listening to different news reports and reading different information on the Internet. Isn’t that odd that so much conflicting information is out there? What are the facts? From what I understand, I can hardly wait to get vaccinated; I miss the classroom.”

Liane concludes by saying: “I’ll tell you what. When I am able to get vaccinated, I’ll keep you posted. We can use me as a guinea pig to see what happens. In the meantime, if you ever want to discuss the vaccination with me again, or have additional information of which I should be aware, let me know. Like I said, I’m all ears.”

A conversation like the foregoing certainly isn’t a panacea; it is doubtful that either Liane or John will change their minds. However, it may just move Liane and John to a greater understanding of one another, and over time, one may change his or her mind. And, by keeping the dialogue going, they may well find other matters they share in common – about the neighborhood – and work together on those. In short, they are building, or perhaps rebuilding a relationship.

Tip #2 – Take the Famous “15-second Pause”

As a young HR manager, I often responded immediately when something happened – meaning said whatever was on my mind, rarely allowing myself to ponder whether what I was about to do or say was in the overall best interest of the organization, the others involved, or me. I was counseled by the HR Vice President to “take a 15-second pause,” meaning to wait and reflect before acting. (Having followed his advice, I added the word “famous” to the rule since it certainly became a rule of my own and a huge assist, which I subsequently handed along to others on my teams.) In the heightened era of 2020, thinking and reflecting first prior to responding in communications would have been helpful, and is certainly a rule to adopt in 2021. Taking the “famous” 15-second pause is a companion piece to listening, asking and understanding.

Example: What if Liane had immediately called John after speaking to Neal and learning of John’s reluctance to take a vaccination when she would have “died” to get one? Rather than the considered approach above, her impulse would have been to say something like “John, I can’t believe you’re not having a vaccination. Everyone knows it will be okay, and whatever it is your relying upon is total bunk. I would give anything to have a vaccination now, but I’ll have to wait because I’m only 38 and in good health.”

It goes without saying that the relationship between the two would have deteriorated and impacted negatively on other matters that the two might well have in common. Taking the pause, and considering how to formulate a conversation that might reach further understanding, could have gone a long way in turning things around in their relationship, and the neighborhood. Let’s face it, no two people agree on everything at the best of times. Can’t we continue to embrace those who have differing views on some matters, and agree with us on others?

Tip #3 Return to Some of the Communication Norms of Yore: Granny Had Something Worth Saying

Clearly life has changed from when granny was young; yet, some of the communication norms she taught us could help in healing the divide. I received two, handwritten “thank you” notes for having dropped off holiday gifts for friends and colleagues. After my initial feeling of guilt (since I hadn’t written any thank you notes), I realized how special it was to be acknowledged, how good I felt, and yet how easy to do. So, my final challenge for you this year, is to purchase a sufficient number of thank you cards or notes and stamps to think each week about someone who has done something nice for you, and to write him or her a thank you note. The good feelings it will engender might cause the recipient/s to do the same, creating a compounding feeling of good in the world!

 

A Recap: Three Tips for Returning to Civility in Communication:

1) Listen, Ask Questions: Make an Effort to Understand;

2) Take the “Famous 15-second Pause;” and,

3) Return to Some of the Communication Norms of Yore: Granny Had Something Worth Saying