Listening: (Still) the Superpower of All Human Interactions

“The art of conversation is the art of hearing as well as of being heard.”  “When people talk, listen completely. Most never listen.” Those two timely bits of sage advice could have been made within the last year, month, week, or even day. Any guesses?

The first quote, from William Hazlet, is attributed to his selected essays written between 1778 – 1830; while the second is from Ernest Hemingway, penned in 1967 from Across the River and Into the Trees.

For me, verbal communication, something we humans do on an ongoing basis, is comprised of listening, asking, and telling. Many of us do “too much telling, and too little listening and asking.” Clearly, this has been a shared challenge for centuries.

In the contentious times in which we live, listening is needed now more than ever: it continues to be the superpower of all human interactions. But “how to?” It’s easy to say, and difficult to implement.

As we begin a new year, some thoughts on how to become a better communicator through listening, hearing (a la “she listened to him; however, did she hear what he had to say?), and asking.

How To’s:

1. Lead by example: model the conduct by embracing these, or other ideas, on how to become a better listener.
2. Engage in active listening:

• • Ask open-ended questions: those that require a response other than “yes” or “no.”
  • Reflect the other’s feelings: show understanding.
  • Clarify: dig deeper to ensure understanding.
  • Summarize what was heard.

3. Adopt body language that demonstrates listening and hearing: make eye contact, lean in, nod.
4. Practice makes perfect (as the saying goes): plan conversations, try them out in the mirror, ask another to listen, and provide feedback: Did I say what I intended?

A Story

CPA Sam, a former partner in a large public accounting firm, was hired as the Auditing Vice President for a Fortune 200. He was in “hog heaven,” explaining excitedly to his new staff that he never fit in the accounting firm environment: he indicated that he was talkative and outgoing – an extravert in a sea of introverts. Although he concluded that was the culture of the accounting firm, as it turned out, this was also the case in Sam’s new position.

Without having understood this, he concluded – falsely – that he was in his element: he was happy to ask his staff their opinions, engage in dialogue, set team retreats, and have “dinners on the house.”

At some great risk, he learned at a (facilitated) retreat what the staff really thought:

1. ”He asks our opinions, and then does what he wants.”
2. “He answers for us, never giving us a chance to answer a question he asks.”
3. “We really don’t understand him at all.” “We’re frustrated.”

Although heartbroken, Sam wanted to repair the relationships and start afresh. He became a listener, asking for more details (“tell me more” or “put some more words around the idea”), making eye contact, nodding, repeating back to the staff or team what he thought he heard, and thinking carefully to provide feedback after all had spoken first. Was he perfect? No; however, he kept practicing – at times “rehearsing” in front of a mirror, or trying it out with his coach – and, at the follow-up team retreat in six months, he was able to turn it around!

To recap: The How To’s:

1. Lead by example: model the conduct by embracing these, or other ideas, on how to become a better listener.
2. Engage in active listening:
   • Ask open-ended questions: those that require a response other than “yes” or “no.”
   • Reflect the other’s feelings: show understanding.
   • Clarify: dig deeper to ensure understanding.
   • Summarize what was heard.
3. Adopt body language that demonstrates listening and hearing: eye contact, leaning in, nodding.
4. Practice makes perfect (as the saying goes): plan conversations, try them out in the mirror, ask another to listen, and provide feedback.