Listen Without Comment: Assuming Facts Not in Evidence?
For those of us who are lawyers or those who are addicted to legal shows, “assuming facts not in evidence,” is a commonly used objection during testimony. It means that the witness has testified to a fact that has not been introduced into the trial. Think of the oft-cited question, “When did you stop beating your wife?” Unless there have been facts introduced at trial that the person has beaten their wife, the question “assumes facts not in evidence,” and the judge would sustain an objection.
For me, assuming facts not in evidence leads us to form opinions, draw conclusions – that may well be wrong – and then act based on those faulty conclusions. Think about how people “assume facts not in evidence,” about others during a day. Likely, it happens more than we know and then leads to actions that are based on conclusions, opinions, projections* and/or attribution of motivation that are incorrect.
*”Projection is when a person unconsciously projects his/her thoughts, feelings or behaviors onto someone else,” August 2023, Medical News Today
What to do? How do we Avoid Assuming Facts Not in Evidence?
In its online magazine, with the tagline “More than a magazine: information, inspiration, and support,” the British Heart Foundation lists:
Ten Tips for Active Listening:
- Face the speaker and have eye contact;
- “Listen” to nonverbal clues, too (facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures, etc.);
- Don’t interrupt;
- Listen without judging or jumping to conclusions;
- Don’t start planning what to say next;
- Show that you’re listening (nod your head, smile, avoid looking at your watch, fidgeting, etc.);
- Don’t impose your opinions or solutions;
- Stay focused;
- Ask Questions; or,
- Paraphrase and summarize.
These ten tips guide patients and healthcare workers when managing potentially serious health matters. They certainly resonate now in the greater society as we work to return to civil dialogue in the public square. While all ten of these are admirable, the following key “How-To’s” and Tips (and a shorter list) have proven to work in my practice.
One “How To,” Five Tips and a Story
How-To #1: Listen Without Comment: Then Ask Questions (to confirm understanding)
Tip #1: Suspend Judgment: Listen Without Interruption
Tip #2: Demonstrate Listening: Make Eye Contact, Nod, Lean Forward
Tip #3: Ask Questions to Ensure Understanding
Tip #4 Confirm Understanding: Summarize
Tip #5 Ask if the Communicator Seeks a Response: If Not, Refrain from Commenting
Tip #1: Suspend Judgement: Listen Without Interruption
Embrace silence and come with an eagerness and commitment to understand. In an August 2021 article for Psychology Today, Keri Rusnak offers, “Being a good listener means listening to understand instead of listening to respond. If we aren’t really listening, then most of our communication is generally one-sided and we end up each having our own conversations. This often creates a lot of conflict in relationships.”
Tip #2: Demonstrate Listening: Make Eye Contact, Nod, Lean Forward
Tip #3: Ask Questions to Ensure Understanding
- Demonstrate interest and a desire to understand by asking questions.
Tip #4: Confirm Understanding: Summarize
- Provide a summary, “I want to make sure I understand. Using my words, this is what I heard . . . “
Tip #5: Ask if the Communicator Wants a Response: If not, Avoid Commenting
By far, this may be the most difficult of all the tips. Many of us have the urge to jump in and solve (what we perceive) as “the problem.” Regardless of one’s motivation, if many of us want to respond because we care, there are times when demonstrating caring is by listening only and not commenting.
In an August 2023 article “Tips for Listening to Understand, Not to Respond,” author Allie Griffith shares a conversation she had with her roommates, when all she wanted was for them to listen, as she thought out loud. Instead, they “kept interrupting with ‘well, have you tried this,’ or, at least it’s not as bad as that’.”
“I needed someone to listen she said, …I was not seeking advice. I wanted my roommates to simply say, ‘We hear you. That is hard. We are here for you.’ I needed a simple affirmation that I was allowed to feel stressed and that I had support.”
Author Griffith’s recommendations:
- Embrace Silence
- Be Actively Present – make eye contact, nod, or exhibit another nonverbal response
- Ask More Questions
- (Remember) It’s Not About You
Another hint from this author: as nice as it would be for the communicator to let us know in advance that she or he is seeking a listening ear only, without the listeners responding, the person may fail to say so.
That’s why Tip #5 is vital – it’s up to the listener to find out whether the communicator seeks responses – or not.
After all, the only person we have control over is ourselves.
It’s a Wrap: The How-To & Tips:
How-To #1: Listen Without Comment: Then Ask Questions (to confirm understanding)
Tip #1: Suspend Judgment: Listen Without Interruption
Tip #2: Demonstrate Listening: Make Eye Contact, Nod, Lean Forward
Tip #3: Ask Questions to Ensure Understanding
Tip #4 Confirm Understanding: Summarize
Tip #5 Ask if the Communicator Seeks a Response: If Not, Refrain from Commenting
This post is based on an excerpt from my forthcoming book, Can’t We All Just Get Along?” Rodney King – Courageous Communication: A Return to Civility. Stay tuned for more information!
