Preface to “Courageous Communication: A Return to Civility”

Life has transformed worldwide over the past decade. The pandemic, the rise of authoritarianism, the proliferation of social media, and a war of aggression in Europe, have reshaped our world. In the United States, the pandemic completely altered the workplace – from working at home; to a hybrid workplace; and now many employers want employees back on-site five days a week. We’re watching as a generation that was not able to graduate from high school in person, may well be denied the opportunity to do so in college.

 

There was a time when facts were certain, unassailable, and agreed to, and how to deal with them differed. As the late Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan said, “Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts.”

 

Remember the collective surprise when the concept of “alternate facts” was first introduced in January 2017^[1]?

 

Since then, we appear to be living in a world where alternate facts, conspiracy theories, and opinions masquerading as facts are inescapable. All of this, and no doubt more, has led to unsettling times, where civility appears to have gone by the wayside.

 

How pervasive is this incivility? Are we all observing or experiencing the same degree of discourteous conduct that seems prevalent, or at least tends to dominate the media? Is it unique to the United States? To answer these questions, we sent a survey out worldwide.

 

I thought I knew what the results would reveal. I was wrong.

 

I confess: The survey results made writing this book an immense challenge since they were at odds with my assumptions about what they would reveal. As that great American comedian (and often sage observer) Groucho Marx famously said, “Who are you gonna believe, me or your lying eyes?”

 

We gathered the worldwide survey data in 2021, 2022, and 2023. Over 1,200 participated in the first survey with 2,250 plus total survey takers for the three years. Respondents represented:

• All continents, and 46 of 50 U.S. states
• All genders with about 10% more men than women
• Various age ranges, cultures, religions, races, and ethnicities.

The results were consistent: in general, half of us believe we are more accepting and forgiving of those with divergent points of view than what to me seemed evident in the public. In many instances, there are profound differences between our beliefs and those of others, as regularly broadcast on television, radio, and podcasts, and read in newspaper articles, blogs, posts, and – particularly – social media. I suspect we’ve always had different points of view. However, how we think about and treat those with different points of view has changed.

 

Rather than showing a willingness to bridge the gap or learn how others view an issue differently than we do, we seem to be fed a steady diet of “you’re wrong; I’m right,” or, more profoundly, “you’re an idiot (or other inflammatory characterization) for believing what you do.”

 

Here are four survey questions and the responses from the initial survey, which were subsequently validated in the following two surveys. The first three questions are demographic, which set the stage, while the fourth question forms the basis for my observation, which you will find after the questions and responses.

 

1. Generally, I describe my worldview as:

Conservative 18% Independent 26% Moderate 19% Liberal 27% Progressive 8%

Other 2%

2. In the past year, I’ve spoken to people whose worldview is the same as my own:

0-3 times: 17%, 4-10 times: 37%, More than 10 times: 40%, I’m not sure: 6%,

Never: 0%

3. In the past year, I’ve spoken to people whose worldview is opposite to my own:

0-3 times: 26%, 4-10 times: 38%, More than 10 times: 29%, I’m not sure: 7%,

Never: 0%

4. Generally, I think that people whose worldview is different from my own are:

Wrong: 6%, Misinformed: 24%, Gullible: 14%, Simply different: 50%, Other: 6%

 

As one might expect, this diverse group of participants, with six different worldviews speaks more frequently with those who are like-minded (40%), over those with a different worldview (29%); and a majority (50%) perceive those with different worldviews as “simply different,” while only 6% consider them wrong. If we were to add the neutral comment “misinformed” (24%) to “simply different,” then 74% are more forgiving of others than the media regularly presents.

 

I assumed that the survey participants would label those with differing views “gullible,” or more pointedly, “wrong.” Yet, the results showed otherwise: “Gullible” was selected by 14% of respondents, and “wrong,” by only 6%, totaling a mere 20%..

 

With what I considered to be surprising results—that half of us believe that those with different worldviews are “simply different” — I was stumped as to how to proceed with this book. The disconnect I observed between the survey results and what I saw as the 24/7 public discourse led to the two additional surveys testing the data, only to find the same results.

 

Next, I consulted colleagues, and trusted advisors, and wrote what turned out to be several false starts for this book. I was truly at a loss.

 

What Happened Next:

Conversely, among the surprising survey results, the response to one question stood out as a ray of light, serving as a key inspiration for this book:

 

I am willing to listen without comment to someone with the opposite worldview in hopes of understanding where they are coming from. On a scale of 1-5, with 1 being never, 5 being absolutely.

Never: 1% Almost never: 7% Sometimes: 39% Almost always: 31% Absolutely: 22%

 

With 53% “almost always,” or “absolutely” expressing a willingness to listen to those with the opposite worldview, there is hope.

 

As one respondent said,

 

 “Many of the people I have in my life come from different backgrounds and experiences. When we don’t agree on worldviews, I consider this piece of information and try to see it from their perspective. . .” 

 

After ruminating on all the survey results and viewing the data on my most frequently read blogs: The first being “Conflict Management: Do We Ever Really Resolve Conflicts?” and the second, “The Two Most Difficult Words in the English Language: I’m Sorry,” I had the “ah-ha” moment as to how to proceed, the result of which is this guide. Perhaps we really are all looking for a way back to civil discourse.

 

I hope this easy-to-read book—written in plain English—will provide food for thought. In it, you will find ways we can all change our conduct to maneuver through these perilous times in which we live and emerge more hopeful and civil.

 

In the infamous words of Rodney King, “Can we all just get along?”

 

^[1] Kellyanne Conway, former counselor to President Donald Trump, said the White House press secretary gave “alternative facts” when he inaccurately described the inauguration crowd as “the largest ever” during his first appearance before the press on January 22, 2017.