The Power of Neutral Language: Time to Think First, and Communicate Second

We’ve all said things we regret. The issue is never if we said something we later regretted. Rather, how we handled it. I recommend a simple, I’m sorry,” without explanation, since offering up the reason often seems like an excuse.  Shortening the statement “I’m sorry I said that, but I was angry,” to “I’m sorry I said that” is clear, brief, and sincere.

Offering the reason “but I was angry,” often results in the recipient of the apology thinking, “Well, I got angry too, but I didn’t strike out. How come I was able to control my emotions and you couldn’t?” Additionally, use of the word “but,” in a sentence, typically negates what preceded it, leaving the recipient to wonder, “Was the person really sorry?”

 

Rather Than Apologize, How About Limiting the Need to Apologize?

Better yet, how do we minimize the number of regretful remarks we will make in the future– be they verbally, in writing, or through social media? The focus of this post is on how to avoid saying something we might come to bemoan.

My prescription? Think first, communicate second, and by doing so, recalibrate the language to something neutral. 

 

Two How-To’s and Seven Tips:

How-To #1: Understand the Need to Think First, Communicate Second

• Tip #1: The Lizard Brain
• Tip #2: In the Heat of an Argument

How-To #2: Think First, Communicate Second

• Tip #3: Resist the Temptation to Respond Immediately

• Tip #4: Be Strategic: What is the Goal of the Communication

• Tip #5: Put Yourself in the Others’ Shoes

• Tip #6: Select Neutral Language

• Tip #7: Ask a Trusted Advisor

 

How-To #1: Understand the Need to Think First, Communicate Second

• Tip #1: The Lizard Brain – In 1949, Yale University’s Paul MacLean, a physician and neuroscientist, identified a part of the brain as the “limbic lobe.” By the 1960’s he coined the term “lizard brain,” because the limbic lobe, or cortex, makes up most of a lizard’s brain, and it controls fight, flight, feeding, fear, and freezing up.

We humans often minimize what a large role our limbic cortex/lizard brain plays in our lives. It’s the compulsion to eat that brownie you promised yourself you weren’t going to eat. Or the desire to lash back at someone who confronts us at work, or a family member who angers us.

• Tip #2: In the Heat of an Argument – The lizard brain frequently fuels our responses when we are in the thick of an argument. Recognize this, and promise yourself to listen, take in the information, and to respond later. If you fail to do this and instead blurt out something unkind, unproductive or unprofessional, apologize.

 

How-To #2: Think First, Communicate Second

• Tip #3: Resist the Temptation to Respond Immediately – As someone who is never at a loss for words, I have learned to hold my reactions and to respond later – either that day, or the next should I still be feeling “big emotions,” as a family member describes them. Writing out what I plan to say is helpful. It allows me to see it, and to edit it, removing fighting words and tamping down my big emotions.
• Tip #4: Be Strategic: What is the Goal of the Communication – Hopefully, the goal is not to strike out; rather, it’s to be understood and/or to persuade another to your point of view. Whether one or both goals, or another aim, take the time to consider the best way to get there. This includes what language to use, and the best vehicle to deliver the message: in person, on the phone, over email, text or social media.
• Tip #5: Put Yourself in the Others’ Shoes – Consider the words and delivery vehicle the other would like. Consider times and places. If the person has family or other duties in the evening, or you know they have plans, pick another time. If the person isn’t particularly computer literate, or savvy, wait for a time for a face-to-face meeting, or phone call. Remember to precede the conversation with, “Is this a good time to talk?”
• Tip #6: Select Neutral Language – avoid “you” statements; rather focus on “I” statements. “You” statements are frequently perceived as accusations; whereas “I” statements require the communicator to own up/accept responsibility for their conduct. Some examples:

 

 

Words or Phrases to Avoid	Words or Phrases to Embrace
“You didn’t understand me . . . .”	“The point I’m trying to make is . . .,” Or “A point we need to understand is . . .”
“If you don’t understand or agree with me, you’re wrong (or an idiot, wimp, coward, Democrat, Republican, MAGA, Antifa, etc.).”	“I wish we could concur on this. I guess we must agree to disagree.”

• Tip #7: Ask a Trusted Advisor – I am an advocate for asking another party – someone who has your best interest at heart – what they think of what you plan to communicate, including the method. Listen, and follow the advice.

 

To Recap: 

Two How-To’s and Seven Tips:

How-To #1: Understand the Need to Think First, Communicate Second

• Tip #1: The Lizard Brain
• Tip #2: In the Heat of an Argument

How-To #2: Think First, Communicate Second

• Tip #3: Resist the Temptation to Respond Immediately

• Tip #4: Be Strategic: What is the Goal of the Communication

• Tip #5: Put Yourself in the Others’ Shoes

• Tip #6: Select Neutral Language

• Tip #7: Ask a Trusted Advisor

 

This post is based on content from my book “‘Can We All Just Get Along?’ Rodney King – Courageous Communication: A Return to Civility,” which is available for preorder on Amazon.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay