Communication Tips in Trying Times: Navigating the Eaton Fire
“When the going is easy, everyone sails, but when the waters get rough, that’s when you need to really steer.” This and similar expressions (“Easy times don’t build character; it’s the tough situations that reveal our resilience”) reinforce something we all know – be it explicitly or implicitly. When life is smooth and uncomplicated, it’s easy; when challenges arise, true focus and determination are required to manage difficulties.
For me, challenging times signal a period when how we communicate with others is key to managing the situation. And boy, did this hit home for me. The fires in southern California, specifically, the Eaton fire directly impacted my family, calling to mind another expression: “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.”
Taking My Own Advice: A Tale of a Family Dispute
My two elder children were rendered unhoused: thankfully, not due to a loss of home like so many others, but rather because their homes are unlivable and will be for 12 – 18 months. My eldest – my one and only son – his wife and their son have been staying with me. Like many, I have poor air quality, ash, and dust inside, which is minor compared to others.
In a conversation last night while driving, my son and I got into it about several house-related matters. I completely gave into my Lizard Brain, as did he. Although I remained calm, keeping my voice down – which he did not – I said a few unkind things I now regret.
The Power of Apology:
Waiting until this morning to ensure I could laugh at my Lizard Brain response; I sent the following text: “I apologize for last night’s conversation and retract any remark that was hurtful or accusatory. I do want to set up a time when we can speak civilly about my concerns. Please offer up a few periods in the next few days that work for you. Love mom”
My Advice in Action:
- I took responsibility for my conduct.
- Including the retraction of hurtful or accusatory comments
- I offered a simple, unadulterated apology.
- Excluding an explanation, since they are frequently perceived as excuses for one’s conduct, like a “but“ does in the middle of a sentence – negating that which came beforehand
- I moved into the next steps.
- That, hopefully, will allow us to successfully manage the underlying issues in a civil conversation.
- I concluded with a sentiment of my true feelings.
- Love for my son
What I Did Not Do – That at Times Happens in an Apology
- I did not remind my son of his role in the unsuccessful conversation.
- Never mentioning his raised voice, nor his defense of the underlying issues
- As the saying goes, the ball’s now in his court. It’s up to him to take responsibility for his conduct.
- I did not explain my conduct, enumerating all the reasons why I said what I did since that dilutes the apology. Also, it can start a “tit-for-tat,” meaning my son would enumerate all the reasons he said what he did. That would be unproductive and move us away from the true goal of the conversation – to come to an agreement on how to manage my concerns.
- I moved from the concerns into a positive way forward.
- I let him know my true feelings.
- That I love him!
For more tips on how to manage the Lizard Brain, the value in being strategic, and the importance and power of apology. After all, it isn’t “if” we make mistakes, rather “how” we handle them, read “Can we all just get along, Rodney King” Courageous Communication: A Return to Civility, here.
