Where Do I Stand? Conversations with The Boss

Like many, I am a lifelong learner. Frequently, my lessons come from the mistakes I’ve made. Here’s one that informed me, first as an employee and later as a boss, on performance conversations.

The Big Mistake

While practicing employment law for the major southern California electric utility, I met frequently with officers in various departments to discuss workforce matters. One February, I was in the office of a VP, debating an employee’s conduct that led to disciplinary action. At some point, I said something that angered the VP. I have no recollection of what it was, yet I do recall that I knew in the moment that I had been out of line. On the five-minute walk back to the law department, I hoped against hope that the VP had not called my boss. I had no plan to tell him what I’d done.

When I returned, my boss John was his usual friendly self, asking if I wanted to join him and a group of fellow lawyers for lunch. Phew, I thought, I dodged that bullet.

Fast forward to December of that year. During annual employee reviews, my boss brought up my February mistake, clearly letting me know that he received an animated phone call from the VP immediately after I left the meeting and before I returned to the law department. I was stunned.

Lessons Learned – as an Employee: “The No Surprises Rule”

1. It’s always better to own up at the time. I should have gone back to the department and told my boss what happened, and my part in it. This would have allowed him to be prepared for a call, and if one came in, to (possibly) enable him to speak on my behalf.
2. Regardless of whether a call came in, John would have been able to initiate a conversation with the VP, “I understand that when she was in your office, Diana made an inappropriate comment. She and I discussed it when she returned, and it won’t happen again. In fact, please take her call. I know she wants to apologize.”
3. I should have found the time to apologize directly to the VP.
4. This experience was the impetus for my becoming a lifelong advocate of the “No Surprises Rule.”

Lessons Learned – as a Boss: Feedback Should be Given at the Time, Focusing on “Acts, Facts and Events Only”

1. As close as possible to the event or conduct, the supervisor should give employee feedback, both positive and negative.
2. The goal of feedback is to reinforce positive conduct and to offer advice on how to avoid what led to the negative feedback. This requires discussing “acts, facts and events,” only, avoiding finger-pointing, accusations, and other conduct that could make the recipient feel bad.
3. Giving negative feedback should also allow the recipient to state their point of view. This allows for a two-way dialogue where engaged learning takes place. It can also surface extenuating circumstances that could alter the feedback.

Example: “Diana, I understand that during the meeting with Mr. VP, you commented x, y, z. Mr. VP was unhappy, indicating he thought the comment was inappropriate, given he was asking you about disciplinary action, not your opinion on a, b, c. Tell me more about this . . .”

Putting These Axioms into Action: Where Did I Stand as an Employee?

• Practicing the “No Surprises Rule”: I recognized that none of us, particularly bosses, likes to be surprised, especially with matters that could put the employee, team, and/or the boss in a negative light. Thus, as an employee, I found that I always advised my boss when I made a mistake, regardless of how embarrassed, ashamed or bad I felt. This allowed me to get my side of the story out first, enabling my boss to listen, and – hopefully – adequately represent my/our position.
• Seeking Prompt, Fact-Based Feedback: I realized that many bosses did not (and still do not) like to give feedback, positive or negative. I wanted to avoid being ambushed again. (Regardless of my part in the story I relayed, this is what I felt when my February mistake was ignored at the time and then brought up in December during my annual review.) I started asking for feedback. I would schedule a meeting about once a quarter with my boss, and ask him for feedback, “What am I doing that you like, and I should do more of?” “What areas do I need to improve?” The following quarter, I would ask the same questions and inquire whether I had made or was making progress on the areas he identified for improvement. I always sought out specific examples – positive and negative.

Putting These Axioms into Action: Where Did I Stand as a Boss?

• Implementing the “No Surprises Rule,” and a Companion Practice: As a supervisor, manager, director and officer, I implemented the Rule, asking that I be the “first to know” when a mistake was made. At the same time, I adopted and followed the practice that “all credit goes to the team, and the boss owns all the mistakes.” By protecting the team, after all, we all make mistakes, trust grows.
• Giving Prompt, Fact-Based Feedback: Giving positive feedback is far easier than giving negative feedback. This comment addresses negative feedback. I am an advocate for “acts, facts, events, and conduct only, vs. conclusions, opinions, and/or attributing motivation to others.” This practice breathes life into one of the Zenger Miller Principles, “Focus on the issue, situation, or behavior, not the person.” The goal is to separate what someone did, or did not do, from who they are as a person. This practice aims to avoid leaving the recipient of any negative feedback with the feeling that they are a bad person. For me, I also try to avoid using the word “you,” which can make the recipient feel they are being accused of being a bad person, which often results in fighting back.

Example: Lidia was ten minutes late for the meeting during which she and Amos were to present the team’s recommendation to maintain a hybrid work schedule, rather than return to the five-day-a-week on-site schedule, which is what the company owner wanted. The tardiness prevented the two from making any last-minute changes. At the end of the presentation, the owner, said, “Although you made a compelling case, we’re returning to five days a week on site.”

In a fit of frustration, Amos exploded, “It’s all your fault, Lidia. If you had been on time, we could have practiced and figured out what the boss would ask. You are unprofessional, and I never want to work with you again.”

The Supervisor to Lidia: “I know how hard you and Amos worked on the presentation. While being late may not have changed the boss’s mind, I think it caused additional concern with the team, specifically Amos. Tell me what happened . . .” “I think an apology to Amos is in order.”

The Supervisor to Amos: “I know the owner’s decision was not what the team hoped for. I also know how hard you and Lidia worked on the presentation. It was unfortunate that she was late, although I doubt her having been on time would have made a difference in the owner’s decision.

“Now, we need to address the initial comments to Lidia. I am sure they were made from frustration, yet they fell short of the company’s policies on courteous conduct at all times. How should we handle the comments? . . . I expect immediate and sustained improvement or disciplinary action may be taken.””

Tips for Discussing “Where I Stand” With the Boss

Employees:

1. Practice the “No Surprises Rule.” The supervisor should be the first to know when you goof.
2. Regularly seek feedback from the supervisor. Ask, “What am I doing well?” What areas should I improve upon? Schedule follow-up meetings.

Tips for Discussing “Where I Stand” With the Boss

Supervisors, Managers, Directors & Executives:

1. 1. Implement the “No Surprises Rule,” and its companion rule, “All credit goes to the team, and all mistakes are owned by the boss.”
   2. Give Prompt, Fact-Based Feedback, avoiding drawing “conclusions, opinions, and/or attributing motivation to others.” Give the employee a chance to air their side of the story.
   3. Be prepared to speak to the offended party, accepting responsibility for the errors the team makes.

Further Reading

For more insights on effective communication, read my books, Consequential Communication in Turbulent Times: A Practical Guide to Leadership and Can we all just get along? Rodney King – Courageous Communication: A Return to Civility

 

 

Image by Vicki Hamilton from Pixabay