The Eternal Dilemma: Being vs. Doing

Playgoing is one of my passions. Yesterday, it was a contemporary (as could only be playing in Los Angeles) reinterpretation of Hamlet. Thankfully, Shakespeare’s immortalized phrases were left unaltered. The one that rang truest for me has been on my mind: “To be or not to be, that is the question.”

Over the years, I have experienced concentrated periods of time when I ponder that dilemma: being or doing, or what role each plays in my life. The question invariably takes me back to my initial period of questioning this, which was my final year in high school. As was typical, my class was charged with writing an essay entitled, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Setting aside for a moment that the question presupposes that a) a 17-year-old knows what she wants to “be,” or b) that she aspires to “be” anything at all, for the question really asks what the student “wants to do when she grows up.”

I began my essay with lofty aspirations to do who knows what – I don’t remember. What I do recall is that midway through the essay, I threw it out, and repositioned the question and my work, writing an essay entitled something along the lines of “Why do adults always ask teenagers what they want to do when they grow up; rather than what kind of person they want to be.” I admonished adults for focusing on doing rather than being and explained that I wanted to “be a good person, kind, thoughtful, with generosity of spirit and heart.” (In all likelihood, I didn’t use the last phrase; rather wrote whatever a 17-year-old would have said along those lines.)

The expression “deer in the headlights” comes to mind when my English teacher quietly called me aside to “discuss my essay.” Again, I have no recollection of the name of my teacher, or how the conversation went, other than I got an “A,” and was also admonished that “next time, you should follow the instructions.” Dare I admit that the latter has always been a challenge for me, and it is true today.

Being vs. Doing: Assessing My Life to Date:

As a garden variety overachiever, I’ve spent the vast majority of my life doing, AKA achieving. My baby boomer generation of professional women aspired to be “superwomen,” with perfect careers, perfect spouses, and perfect children. Anecdotally, over the years I’ve noticed that we babyboomer over-achieving, superwomen aspiring professionals, often mastered well two of the three – very few do all three well: I know great professional women with fulfilling careers and wonderful marriages, yet no children; I know others with fulfilling careers and amazing children, with failed marriages; last, I know many professional women who gave up their careers for home and hearth – marriages and children. In my case, children came first, career second, and marriage third. As you might imagine, I ended up a single mother with three amazing children, and now three wonderful grandchildren.

Meteoric Rise to the Glass Ceiling:

This phrase is one I often use to describe my own early career. I progressed from an in-house employment lawyer to an employee relations specialist and became the first female HR manager. Later, as a healthcare director, I negotiated a PPO for the company’s healthcare program. And shortly thereafter, I was elected Secretary of the Corporation. There were 18 officers – 17 men (of all races and ethnicities, I might add) and one woman – me.

Balancing Family and Career: The so-called “Work-Life Balance”

For me, it was a blessing that I was pregnant in my last year of law school, having married a classmate at the end of our second year. Starting my career with an infant forced a kind of discipline in me that resulted in my becoming extremely efficient with my time at work. No chit-chat around the water-cooler for me. Two daughters followed, and I managed to juggle (perhaps a better word than balance) my many duties. If one can visualize the circus clown keeping all the plates spinning in the air, that was me.

Along the way, I also served and continue to serve on many nonprofit boards and governmental commissions, task forces, etc. The first nonprofit was, perhaps out of necessity, as a founding board member/officer of a childcare center. I needed to find a nurturing, child-centered environment for my child, then children. The rest, as they say, is history.

Work-Life Balance Today:

As I observe my son and daughters and their generation of women and men in the workforce, there are better laws and policies supporting working parents (FMLA, CFRA in CA, Paid Family Leave, also in CA, among them), childcare – although pricey – is available (time to tackle that one and to expand leave policies), and, employers generally, whether grudgingly or not, recognize that workers have families and lives outside of work. It is also increasingly common to see men shouldering the daycare, with so-called “stay-at-home dads.” Overall, there is recognition that these policies and practices impact positively all in the workforce.

Being or Doing: Where Does that Leave Us Today?

“I’m working on it,” to quote my young granddaughter. For me, and after a lifetime of doing, it’s hard to transition to “being,” though I’m giving it a valiant try. Is it time to reread my high school essay? I suspect that others face this dilemma, too.

Spending more time focused on what it means to “be” in this world has prompted me to reflect on the many lessons I’ve learned over my lifetime, to try to capture them in writing, and to share them with others. I’m fond of saying when I start a leadership training series or an executive coaching assignment that “I made a lot of mistakes as a manager and leader; the good news is that I learned from those mistakes; the better news is that I’m willing to share those mistakes and lessons learned with you, so you won’t make the same mistakes.” Also, I try to follow my own admonition by concluding each day with asking myself “what have I learned today, and based upon what I learned, what am I going to do differently tomorrow?”

For me, staying engaged and involved with my growing family, making time to be the parent and grandparent that is supportive, nurturing, and yes, challenging, is a top priority. Staying engaged and involved with friends and community comes second. Sharing the lessons of a lifetime comes third. And, spending time on and for me – whether traveling abroad, reading, hiking, exercising, meditating and contemplating, or just plain “being” is last?

What advice would my 17-year-old self give me today? What important lessons did I seem to know then that I need to recapture today? Much to contemplate this summer.

Eager to hear how you have answered that question for yourself, and what advice you have for me.

Namaste!

 

Image by Peggy und Marco Lachmann-Anke from Pixabay