The Magic of Word Choice

“Words, words, words, I’m so sick of words . . .” sang Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady. In that work of art, the use of words and enunciation were used by Professor Henry Higgins to take what he called Eliza, a “gutter snipe” and transform her into a lady . . . merely by speaking properly. Whether that is true, it is certainly true that word selection can set the mood, frame an issue, delineate roles and responsibilities, be used as a sword to hurt others, or a shield to protect ourselves, among a host of many other things.

In today’s world of nonstop information, polarized perspectives, and always-on digital communication, word choice is more important than ever. With sensitivities heightened, virtual meetings the norm, and social media amplifying both facts and fiction, the opportunities for miscommunication have multiplied. This makes it essential to pause and consider how we communicate, what we project, and how we want to be perceived.

Focusing on word choice, one of my favorites is using the word “I” and reducing the word “you” to almost nil. The goal of using “I” statements is to put responsibility where it belongs: with the communicator, not with the person being communicated to or with.

Using “I” Statements and Reducing “You” Statements: The Rationale Behind It, and the Communication How-To’s:

The rationale is all about responsibility and ownership: Use “I” when making a request or reframing an issue, rather than shifting the responsibility and ownership to the other or “you.” Examples of phrases to use: – “What I have in mind . . .” “I am asking that . . .” “This is what I heard; please correct me if I’m wrong . . .” “I may have goofed. I understood the issue to be x, is that accurate?“ “I want to make sure I got it, I heard . . .”

The How-To’s:

1. Identify your own views or feelings: “I was hurt when . . .” “I may be wrong; however, I heard . . .” “I was offended when . . . .” “I guess I wasn’t very clear; I intended to ask you to do x, rather than y.” “I didn’t hear an answer to the question; please repeat if I missed it or respond.”
2. Deal in acts, facts, conduct, and/or events. Avoid drawing conclusions or opinions or attributing motivation to others, all of which are frequently perceived as shaming, maiming, or blaming. Example of phrases to banish: “You didn’t hear me . . .” “You didn’t understand what I said . . .” “You hurt my feelings . . .” “You are unprofessional . . .” “Don’t use that tone of voice with me . . .” “You didn’t do what I asked . . .”

Own It:

I subscribe to a shift in the common understanding of communication responsibility: It is my responsibility to make sure I am understood, rather than the responsibility of another to make sure they understand me. For many, that concept can be a profound reversal of how we operate, and how I operated in the past. Whether we are aware of it or not, most of us place the responsibility of understanding the communication squarely on the shoulders of the person being communicated with.

If we accept responsibility for being understood, then using “I” statements comes easily, as does working to banish using “you” statements. How might this look?

 

Avoiding the Trap that Others are Responsible for Understanding You FROM:	Accepting Responsibility for Being Understood: Using “I” Statements TO:
“You didn’t hear me . . .”	“I guess I wasn’t clear. Let me state it this way . . .”
“You hurt my feelings . . .”	“My feelings were hurt when the comment was made that . . .”
“You didn’t do what I asked . . “	“I thought I was clear in what I asked; however, I must not have been. This is what I would like . . . To make sure I got it right this time, please tell me in your own words what you think I want.”
“You’re not being clear . . .”	“I’m not sure I got it. What I heard was . . . Is that what I’m supposed to do?”
“Your tone of voice is inappropriate . . .”	“I prefer that we speak in our typical conversational style and tone. . .”

 

 

Avoid Drawing Conclusions or Opinions or Attributing Motivation to Others FROM:	Describe the Acts, Facts, Conduct, or Events, and How They Were Viewed TO:
“Shut up! You are unprofessional . . .”	“I get upset when someone speaks over me. In fact, I consider it unprofessional. Please cease and desist.”
“You didn’t understand me. This is all wrong. . . “	“I guess I wasn’t clear. Sorry about that. Let me try rephrasing my request this way. Do me a favor and go into your office and send a return email with what you understood me to ask. That way we can make sure we’re on the same page.”
“You were inappropriate in the staff meeting. Don’t do it again.”	“When Seth was responding to your suggestion, I found he didn’t get his thought out before you spoke again, and this time in an elevated voice. This is not okay.”

 

 

To Recap:

Using “I” Statements and Reducing “You” Statements: The Communication Rationale and How-To’s:

1. Accept responsibility for your own thoughts: Own it: Use “I” statements when making a request or reframing an issue.
2. Identify your own views or feelings: Avoid shifting responsibility and using “you” statements.
3. Deal in acts, facts, conduct, and events only. Avoid drawing conclusions or opinions or attributing motivation to others, all of which are perceived as shaming, maiming, and blaming.

 

For more tips on effective communication, read Consequential Communication in Turbulent Times: a Practical Guide to Leadership.

 

 

Image by Michaela 💗 from Pixabay