The Importance of the Pause
How many times have you written or said something that you later regretted – often in the moment? It’s happened to all of us – it’s that immediate, heart-stomping comeback to whatever was lobbed our way. When we do that, a quick, unvarnished apology is the best antidote.
How about avoiding the need for an apology altogether? How about taking a pause before responding – whether it’s the 15-seond pause at the time (as I was advised by the HR VP when I was an HR manager), or deciding how to respond the following day in the “cool of the evening” (as I awas advised by an assistant when I was an officer), or, after checking in with a trusted advisor to see whether the planned response was appropriate or even needed (which I learned to do in my final corporate job).
Fight or Flight
The fight or flight instinct that undoubtedly was instrumental to the survival of our species is the same response that frequently holds us back today… that is, when we “speak first, and think second.” The physiological reaction (in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or survival) is real, biological, and when unchecked, causes many to make hurtful, harmful, and even statements that incite violence.
This problem is exacerbated by technology at (virtually) the speed of light. Too many of us react immediately through our fingertips, communicating messages we would never say if we were in a past era, when communication was slower, and the oft-cited maxim was “never write anything you wouldn’t want published on the front page of the LA Times” (New York Times, Boston Globe, Denver Post, etc.).
There are many devices that allow us to stave off that survival response, each of which can allow us to communicate in productive ways. In addition to the pauses cited above, or the use of a trusted advisor as a sounding board, here are a few more.
Write it Down as a Draft, Review It Later, Be It a Conversation or via Social Media – Hold or Fold? Often, we need to get it off our chest: nothing wrong with that. So, write it down immediately – just as it comes out, then put it away and look at it later. You might find that in reading that initial gestalt 24 hours later, the temperature has decreased, and you wouldn’t dream of communicating it. If you still want to, take the sting out, use more neutral/temperate words, and try it again. You may even find that there really was no reason to respond. So, don’t – fold!
Responses to Reframe (and Why)
The words and phrases that come out of our mouths, or through our fingers when that pesky little fight or flight response kicks in, can be eliminated, rephrased, or dropped altogether. Here are a few:
- “You” statements (can be viewed as accusatory) to “I” (accept responsibility for my conduct, feelings, etc.)
- “Who do you think you are, anyway?” (provocative and can evoke an in-kind response) to “I have a hard time with that statement. I find it makes me feel dismissed.”
- “I can’t believe you… said, did, or implied that!” (shifts responsibility from the communicator to the communicatee) to “I was surprised when that happened, or that was said, or implied.” (shows the communicator owns the response).
- “You didn’t hear me!” (assumes the communicator knows the mind of the communicatee) to “I guess I wasn’t very clear, let me try it this way . . .”
- “What you need to understand is…” (acts as though the person did not understand) to “I’d like to be understood, and I don’t think I’m making my point. Can you restate what I said? If I wasn’t clear, I’ll try communicating with different words.”
Those pairings are samples, and I’m sure we have all heard far worse. Name-calling is an obvious one, cussing, using stereotypical epithets or other derogatory remarks, and, sadly, the list goes on.
The Value of the Pause
If we agree that the goal of communication is to have the recipient understand, to act, and often, in the workplace, especially, to do what we want, giving in to the fight or flight response typically nets the opposite result. And, when that physiological urge causes us to lose our temper and communicate one of the sample words and phrases, and so many more, we often diminish ourselves, causing others to dismiss us: “oh, don’t pay her any attention, she always loses her cool,” or “That’s just old Joe popping off again, ignore him.”
Learning to “take a pause,” of whatever duration, will allow the communicator to think, rephrase, or decide the comment or retort isn’t worth the potential damage, thus, to refrain from communicating altogether!
When All Else Fails (and We Give in to the Fight or Flight Response), Give a Simple Apology: None of us is perfect, and fighting our physiological responses 24×7 is intense. So, when we give in, apologize simply, sincerely, and move on! An apology with an explanation is often read as an excuse – and can fuel the flames.
