The Language of Leadership
For the past year, I’ve been hosting “Wise Women and Good Men,” which is a series of LinkedIn Live conversations that are then uploaded onto YouTube. This year, the focus has been on “Leaders on Leadership.” With a wealth of leaders in all shapes and sizes working for a variety of organizations, I always ask the guests to list what they consider the three to five top leadership skills or traits. The tips are as diverse as the guests, which speaks to how each has achieved success. In listening to the answers, it occurred to me that it’s time to ask myself that very same question.
In this blog, I address the one big leadership skill I believe is above all others, in large measure because it is a mindset shift that leads to many other leadership traits.
My Focus Has Been on Communication: The Why
Based on my varied experiences as a manager, director, and officer in corporate America, and as a leadership consultant working with groups and coaching on a one-on-one basis, I have, as a result, altered the way I communicate and have seen and experienced firsthand how a strategic change in word choice can turn situations around.
Key Advice Given to Me – Two That Stand Out.
- Without considering the implications, I used to speak in absolutist terms, such as saying, “A perfect example is . . . “A coach advised me that by claiming my example was perfect, it suggested that all others were less than. This served to shut down others with examples to share. I found that the simple word swap from “perfect” to “good” did the trick. By stating, “A good example is . . .” I paved the way for others to offer up their examples.
(Another example of a word shift that serves to invite participation is to reframe the classic, “Do you have any questions?” to “What questions do you have?” The first can suggest that having questions means the listener didn’t get it; whereas the second phraseology suggests that not only is it okay to have questions, it’s expected.) - An officer in one of the companies for which I worked counseled me on “taking the 15-second pause,” meaning to slow down and think before speaking. When I became an officer in the same company, someone who worked for me lengthened that time to pause, recommending that I make and then communicate decisions involving challenging situations upon reflection in “the cool of the evening.”
- My final corporate boss had a difficult time making decisions. As someone who “never met a decision I wouldn’t make,” I found it frustrating. For decisions that were above my pay grade, I would ask him “W” questions, as in, who, what, where, and why, such as “what if we did this?” I found that after a “what” question, he shut down and said nothing.
A coach advised me that, rather than use “W” questions, which appeared to have put my boss on the defensive, I should try “How” questions. Thus, rather than state, “I think we should manage this situation by doing x, y, and z. What do you think?” I would say, “How about if we manage this situation by doing x, y, or z?”
Honestly, I thought the advice was a bunch of bunk; however, I found that my boss went from being mute to chatting away.
The Big Lesson I Learned: My Number One Leadership Trait
The cumulative impact of these situations caused me to realize that there are various communication styles and preferences, which means people take in information differently. Importantly, there is no right or wrong way to do so. My aha moment: it was my responsibility as the communicator to make sure I was understood, rather than the responsibility of the communicatee to understand me.
That shift was huge, which has had a cascading impact on other leadership skillsets and – in my humble opinion – “must-have” leadership traits. Primarily, this understanding resulted in a shift in language. Thus, I no longer say, “you didn’t understand me,” I own it and say things like, “I guess I wasn’t very clear, let me try it this way.”
How Is My Number One Leadership Trait Informed by the Lessons Learned Cited Above?
The 15-Second Pause, or In the Cool of the Evening
Rather than respond immediately in delicate situations or when emotions run high – typically anger or disappointment – I learned to say, “This isn’t a good time. Let me get back to you . . . later today, or . . . tomorrow.” This allowed me – the communicator – to demonstrate my accepting responsibility for being understood, by thinking about what happened, and how to plan the communication.
This pause leads to subsidiary leadership traits, such as “be strategic – what’s the goal of the communication, and how will I achieve it?” And “it’s okay to talk about anger or disappointment, yet not to act them out.” And, when we do so (after all, it’s not if we make mistakes, rather how we handle them), “a simple, I’m sorry without explanation does the trick.” (Explanations sound like excuses, which tend to dilute the apology.)
Shifting Away from Absolutist Language
Word choice can communicate a hierarchy of views or positions. Using words that suggest the person is “right” in their position or viewpoint can also imply that others’ views or positions are “wrong,” serving to shut down communication. This is particularly the case when the person using the absolutist language is the boss.
Asking “How” and Other Neutral Questions Over “W” Questions
Questions beginning with “W”—like what, who, and why—can make the person being asked feel pressured to respond right away. Some communicators can respond immediately – regardless of whether the response is right or wrong, or whether they will change their view upon reflection – while others want to think about their responses before taking an initial position or making an initial response.
Anticipating that a variety of communication styles, preferences, and response times exist allows the leader to plan accordingly – to be strategic. Those who respond first may or may not have the best ideas, and frequently have no problem in changing their views. I have found that those who want to think first and respond later feel safe in doing so by my saying, “I know that the response might change after time for reflection; however, I’d love to hear your initial thoughts, again, recognizing they might change.”
To Recap: My One Big Leadership Trait . . . That Cascades into Others
It is the communicator’s responsibility to ensure they are understood. It is not the responsibility of the communicatee to understand.
